Mr. Thomas Hookton
Lower Midcarder
If Heaven Rides Against Us, Then Gods Be Damned
Posts: 117
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Post by Mr. Thomas Hookton on Apr 8, 2008 11:37:17 GMT -5
I'd volunteer but it is exam time at the University so I'm pretty tight for time. I'll be doing my normal feedbacking as I do with all shows, but I dunno if I can help yah with this one.
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Cain Ravid
Lower Midcarder
"Not so; if anyone kills Cain, he will suffer vengeance seven times over."
Posts: 106
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Post by Cain Ravid on Apr 11, 2008 5:48:59 GMT -5
I can do a couple critiques from 1.3. I'll pick a few people at random or whatever and write something up.
EDIT: Changed my mind. Instead of picking promos randomly and giving feedback to someone who A) Doesn't want it or feel they need it or B) Giving feedback to someone who feels I'm not qualified to pick apart their writing, if you want me to give your promo a critique, send me a PM and I'll post the critique in this thread.
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Post by Sir Feyd Brisbane on Apr 16, 2008 16:21:51 GMT -5
I appreciate you taking up initiative. I was really hoping that we could turn this thread into a good discussion workshop, but I guess we need just a couple more people working actively on it. I'll try to write up a critique or two. So, if you get any requests, let me know which ones you'll be doing and ill choose a different promo to critique.
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Exodus
Lower Midcarder
A mystery wrapped within an enigma
Posts: 112
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Post by Exodus on Apr 16, 2008 17:25:24 GMT -5
I guess this is the place to do this.
I would really like to have my most recent promo critiqued. As stated before, I am still new to this and not quite sure what works and what doesn't in this avenue of writing so I would love to know what others think about my work.
While I do not think I am qualified to fully critique someone else's work yet like you fine gentlemen, I would be willing to give my thoughts to any writer who wants it and returns such a favor.
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Post by The Pyro on Apr 16, 2008 17:35:22 GMT -5
You got a 4.425 last round. That's currently the record for a promo score here. STFU
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Post by Alistar S. Bain on Apr 17, 2008 9:42:41 GMT -5
Any critique I can get besides "it's too short" would be marvelous.
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Post by Sir Feyd Brisbane on Apr 17, 2008 9:52:17 GMT -5
I can take a look at it probably tomorrow morning.
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Post by Alistar S. Bain on Apr 17, 2008 11:30:52 GMT -5
Thank you sir.
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Cain Ravid
Lower Midcarder
"Not so; if anyone kills Cain, he will suffer vengeance seven times over."
Posts: 106
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Post by Cain Ravid on Apr 17, 2008 17:09:43 GMT -5
“The Radical” Chris Austin:
To start out, some portions of your promo seem a bit rushed. First Austin’s having a nightmare, next he’s escaping a hospital, then he’s in a hotel room, then he’s on the road, all within like 2 paragraphs. Add just a bit more description and I think you’ll not only flesh out your promo’s but also flesh out your character by showing exactly how he acts in different situations rather than just telling us…Austin did this and then he did this, and then this happened, etc.
The middle segment involving Ares, didn’t seem to fit with the rest of the promo. I know that Chris Austin showed up to 1.2, that he cut a segment with Sick Fixx, and that he gave an update on his condition, I don’t need to be informed of that again. IF your intention to to show how the rest of the locker room felt Austin was a joke because of what happened to him at the hands of Exodus, I think this could have been done much more effectively by using either MORE guys to make fun of Austin or even using someone else other than Ares. Afterall, Ares is going to mock and make fun of ANYONE, no matter what. That's what he does, that's who he is.
I also feel that you ended the first two segments a little too similar. In VCW world, from what I have assumed, the shows are supposed to be RP’ed as if they are a week or so apart. So after you escaped from the hospital, you drove off and were happy for the first time in weeks…then after VCW 1.2 you were driving to the Grand Canyon and were happy for the first time in weeks. So there maybe a little consistency problem there and ending each segment in a similar fashion leads to a feeling of monotony.
The last segment was by far the strongest, which was good. What’s with the comparison to Randy Orton? Isn’t he the WWE Champion? Isn’t he guy on top of the wrestling world right now? Doesn’t he hold the highest professional wrestling title? (Speaking technically of course.) Hell, I wouldn’t mind being compared to Randy Orton…he’s doing pretty well for himself, in my opinion.
I liked how you referred to yourself in terms of both Chris Austin and “The Radical” as if they were two separate entities. I am interested in learning more about Radicality.
Just as Hookton mentioned, the random text messages add an element of mystery to your promo and you would do well to build around that and milk it for all it’s worth.
Your run down of your opponents was pretty standard and I had no real complaints with it. I did like how you pointed out the fact that you had no idea why you were teamed with iSav, because I agree that you and he make quite the oddball team.
I think the last line of the promo could have been dropped or changed. I can see where Hookton made the assumption that Austin knew the man was watching him. Although, you never come out and say that Austin knew, the whole looking around and smirking before he leaves kind of leads the reader to believe that Austin knew the guy was there. Also, whom was the mystery man talking to? Someone beside him? Someone on the phone? Himself? You never fully explained who or how he was talking. So maybe changing the last line to describe how the mystery man snaps shut his cell phone and watches as Chris climbs back into his car and drives off. They if would explain who/how he was talking and wouldn’t make people think Austin knew the guy was there.
Overall I thought it was a decent promo, room for improvement of course but that’s true for all of us. I thought it was a fairly good showing that could have benefited from a little more/better description.
Thomas Hookton:
I know this is probably going to sound a bit odd, especially since above I told Chris Austin he needed to add MORE details and description, but you are one of those writers that can really drive a tale using simply dialog. It’s very true that dialog is the most important part of any story/promo but considering that I read through your promo and hardly even noticed the complete lack of any real description. Even the descriptive parts seem like internal dialog since you write in the first person. Anyway, it makes for an interesting, seemingly fast-paced read.
The one drawback is that when I try to picture your scenes, they do come across as very boring visually, if you understand what I mean. I think the fact that you only write in black and white adds to this effect of somewhat stale visualization of your writing. It does distract me slightly, however you are so good at writing dialog that it never becomes a major deterrence.
I really can’t say much for the promo beyond that. I really enjoyed it and Hookton’s wife was a very well done character. I like how she’s there mending up her husband, like a loving, caring wife but, also poking fun at him and telling him to “Quit being such a wimp and quit feeling sorry for yourself. Go out there, fight until you are lieing in a pool (of) blood…” Very well rounded, believable character indeed.
As for the last segment of your promo, I tend to agree with what Dunn mentioned in the other feedback thread. It definitely seemed out of place with the rest of the promo. I don’t like how in this promo, and your 1.2 promo, the last segment switched to the use of third person whereas the rest of the promo was first. Also, the final segments all seem to me like the closing segments at the end of the G.I. Joe shows, or public service announcements. Maybe you have bigger plans for these final segments, and maybe they are all leading up to something, but I personally feel that your writing is strong enough that you could drop them and do just as well.
Anyway, if I'm way off on any of this, please feel free to comment and correct me.
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Mr. Thomas Hookton
Lower Midcarder
If Heaven Rides Against Us, Then Gods Be Damned
Posts: 117
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Post by Mr. Thomas Hookton on Apr 17, 2008 22:35:22 GMT -5
I agree with the end segment thing. They were meant to kinda lighten up the promo's a little bit because I had intended for Hookton's promo's to start getting a little heavier. However since the reception on them isn't what I expected it only makes sense to track away from them a little bit. Thank you for the critique, this helps greatly in the development of Hookton.
You raise a good point with the switch from first to third person, I guess I never realized that and it does throw off quite a bit about the promo. Thanks again for the feedback, it is much appreciated.
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Post by Ro on Apr 18, 2008 8:14:51 GMT -5
Just a little comment on Ravid's critique of Austin's promo... Dunn put in "Dunnsville" as one of his nicknames, so I'm betting it's fair game to call him that.
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Cain Ravid
Lower Midcarder
"Not so; if anyone kills Cain, he will suffer vengeance seven times over."
Posts: 106
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Post by Cain Ravid on Apr 18, 2008 8:41:19 GMT -5
Thanks for the correction Romeo! Comments updated!
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