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Post by Craig Christ on Feb 6, 2008 10:35:21 GMT -5
This is used for the purpose of feedback to members who have posted promos. Please don't use this thread to beg for feedback! Any off topic posts will be deleted!
Now, I'm done with my little tyrannic rant, haha, so have away!
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Mr. Thomas Hookton
Lower Midcarder
If Heaven Rides Against Us, Then Gods Be Damned
Posts: 117
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Post by Mr. Thomas Hookton on Feb 6, 2008 12:40:24 GMT -5
I'll start this off since I usually give out feedback to promo's:
Cain: Very nice character introduction for this promo. Clearly a very large sadist, nothing wrong with that. Though I would have liked to see a little more backstory since this is the first promo and all. The interaction between Andrew and Cain was very well down and they make good compatriots, but an explaination as to who the hell Andrew would have been a little nice. This promo gave you a lot to build off of character wise and I'm looking forward to that. All in all, very well done.
Dunnsville: Where the hell have your promo's been all my life? I was laughin my ass off the entire time. Maybe I have a twisted sense of humour, but hey, it worked for me. My concern is the "name calling" while effectively sometimes just seemed to go on a little too much. I get that its part of the schtick, but I found myself sometimes just reading the first word and skipping the next four or five. All in all, certainly an amazing promo, the sibling rivalry, the distaste for having others help him, the mental instability. Welcome to Dunnsville.
Colt Conrad: A nice introduction promo. You are going to really have to use Mitchell and Annabelle to develop Colt the correct way. Or becoming very good at expressing yourself through emotive writing and body language. It felt like it was lacking something that I just couldn't put my finger on and I'm not so sure I'll be able to figure it out, I dunno it just didn't grab me all the way.
The Radical: Good promo but remember what you said "Back yourself up, or you'll be a laughing stock" Keep yourself going strong and you'll do fine. I personally would like to see Austin a little more intense, a little more emotion in his speech. I got the message that he was going to be a big star, but I just didn't get the feeling, you're going to need to instill that into your writing to get huge anywhere. Again a great promo, good intro and solid length, just a couple of issues.
13: Nice approach to writing style. Certainly my old favorite style to use. Though you used a nice hybrid style of script and novel. Other then that it was a good enough promo. Not meaning to sound harsh but it just seems it could have been a little more polished and a little stronger. I found myself struggling to read the entire promo, I just wasn't encapsulated by it. the dialogue is fairly strong, but the inner monlogue seems to suffer because of it.
Ribz: Interesting character and I like the oldschool screenwriters format you used in the approach. It's probably just me, and I know it is how you are intending for the character to speak, but it makes it so difficult to read. All the "dat's" and "z's", maybe I'm just too old school, who knows. Either way, good promo, just the grammar bothered me a little bit. Though a very strong intro promo.
Clodius: Not a bad. I think it may take me a little while to really warm up to this character. I'm just not fully grabbed by him. Though it was a nice and solid intro promo, I'm lokoing forward to what you can do in the future.
Noisewater: Interesting approach. I had a good laugh at the promo. Nice explanation of everything for everyone and your promo cutting I must say, is top notch. I feel like I'm repeating myself, but its the first promo for everyone with these characters, so tweaking will obviously take place.
Wylde: Very good promo. Very strong, a little short. The use of the second voice was very well laid out, but I'm just thinking a little more length would have put you over the top for this match. Regardless strong promo, nice intro to the character.
Courage: The humour was there, it just needs to be built upon. Mighty Sock could be a very good asset to this character, providing a more realist point of vew and is a very nice addition to the promo. My problem is the length of the promo, its very short and doesn't give you time to really get into the character.
Exodus: I like, very much. Nice length, strong character development, match relevance. No storyline continuing but that's cuz there is no storyline, A+ sir.
Best: Now that is funny. Very nicely done sir, I laughed so much during this promo. Especially the end. Repeat 1-4, nice touch. I like where Best is heading and hopefully he stays heading in that direction, very funny.
Anonymous Emus: HOOOOOOOOOOOOSTYLE. Solid intro promo good sir. I like how the whole story isnt revealed and hopefully we will continue to get fun updates about Ehmus' history as the promo's go on. Very nice first promo, Im lookin forward to more.
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Post by Mortus on Feb 6, 2008 13:46:53 GMT -5
I'd first of all like to state I'd really appreciate some feedback; this is an entirely new process for me; new character, new format...
I'd like to see what ya'll think.
Of course, I will feedback to those who feedback myself, or to those I have something in particular to say about...
Cain - Alright man; lets go!
First of all, I'd like to stress a couple of major points that got to me about the promo before I go on to stroke your e-penis and then add in a little additional comment in regards to my promo.
First of all; who the fuck is Andrew? That's grating on my nerves, in both a good and a bad way.
Secondly, dropping a lighter near a flame is going to result in an explosion of sorts. It won't be the biggest, but still. This lack of detail isn't exactly a major issue as much as I personally think the fact could have been utilised somewhat in the promo. That may just be me.
Now; description was wonderful. Can't say anything about that. It does sort of come as a block of white text though, which may bother some people. (I know it gets to me, personally. Didn't in this case, but it tends to.)
The character himself; love him too. I'm looking forward to see how he pads out. =)
I've colour coded all speech save for the unnamed woman at the start, And the long chains of words in John's speech? Well, despite not changing it this time round, I do think I'm going to phase that out. (In as long a thread.) We will still have the likes of Jerk-pile, Sack-grab, and so on, and even chains as long as tweedle-fucking-shit-face-dee, but I do agree, on looking back, that 'cunt-wash-pig-ram-price-is-right-bruce-forskin-fuck,' as amusing as I find it right now, could get very old very fast.
I appreciate the feedback, and I hope you find something of use in here...
Oh; 'Cain slid his pants on quickly then, he grabbed his chest and pulled it over his head.'
Eh?
Colts - I'm glad you decided to stick with K9/Michael James/Kamal/Etc over at FMW, because quite frankly, I think you'll find yourself more successful with him here.
I don't know why I think that so much, maybe the idea of a retard boxer plunged into a good/evil war just throws me a little.
But yeah, I think you've succeeded in doing everything you intended with him, and I see your promo as a good foundation for up coming peices of writing.
Might want to check on spelling grammer before the deadline; at the end you wrote threw where I'm sure you were going for through. That's the only error of the sort I picked up on.
Best of luck mate.
The Radical - Urm. Here we go.
First of all, far too generic for my liking. I didn't find any real hook in your promo, nothing that worked for me anyway.
Allow me to compare you to Shoop. Shoop, were he here, would possibly have written something like this.
And despite the terrible typing, (which is intended,) I loved it, because Shoop ran his 4Chan gimmick and that hooked me in.
Your promo is beautifully written, no real flaw in the writting as much as what is written.
Of course, we all want to be the Champion. And if you're planning to use that as a hook for the tourney, I'd personally suggest exploring why... (Like Dunnsville competing with Mortus,) do it in a slightly different fashion, (see Shoop example; that worked for me.) Or, I'unno, find something else/develop something else in the character/gimmick to get that writing hook.
Also; the long monologue at the end. That struck me with WTS (White Text Syndrome.) Admittedly, it's two am, but I sort of lost track of what was going on.
It's a difficult situation to fix, because I found in my Mortus promos, if I found myself writing a situation as you did, blocks of white text annoyed me and typing Mortus[/color] - before every 'block' of text frustrated me too.
I finally came down to doing this;
Mortus - Blahahahahahahahah.
I am fucking Mortus and I will eat your soul.
And this way, you know all of this is Mortus speaking, and there is no way that you can confuse what I am typing for something else.
Also, it adds a touch of colour to the promo. That can never be a bad thing, as long as people aren't straining to read to what you've typed.
In my modest opinion anyway.
Well; yeah. There you have it, that's my two cents.
I actually use Darkseagreen for Mortus, like I do for John's inner dialogue. However, seeing as I'm seperating feedback using white/darkseagreen/white/etc, I supplemented with seagreen for Mortus' speech/my example.[/color]
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Post by Mike Forrest on Feb 6, 2008 17:22:07 GMT -5
promo up and any feedback would be appreciated i will get to feedbacking people tomorrow when i get home from work
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Post by Mike Forrest on Feb 6, 2008 18:37:31 GMT -5
Feedback Cain Ravid: I enjoyed this promo alot. was a solid intro to your character. You have a talent for description that you would be well served to use to the maximum. I enjoyed the hitman idea with the list and what not and look forward to reading how this progresses. Dunn: I dont feel i am able to give you feedback considering the sutff you put out at fmw. However this seems completely different from anything i have seen of yours to this point. This Dunn is more human then the others i think which i like cause it makes it easier to get inside his head. Freud would say something about the fact that you are boning this fine ass woman but you are thinking of your brother and his friend rolling around wrestling being latently homosexual in nature but i wont make that joke all in alli like it and eagerly await part 2 The Radical: As previously stated you did a good job with the cocky guy attitude i just felt it was a bit generic. you havent really given us any reason to care about your character. there doesnt seem to be a sotryline for us to follow other then his road to being champion which everyone is doing. Its an ok introduction but i am looking for more from you in the future. 13: I also liked the first person idea and think it will work well for you. My biggest problem is that it seemed like alot of your dialog was forced. you worked in ribz and your opponents well which was good and despite some gramattical errors(i am hardly one to judge people on grammar) it was an enjoyable read. good job ribz: It was an interesting promo but i just couldnt enjoy it. my biggest problem is that i am not a fan of using present tense in promos, i just dont feel it reads well. second it seemed like you tried to hard to be descriptive and it came off as forced. The last comment really says more about me then about you i think but i cant like a character that talks the way you do. I had the same problem with a guy TyranT who promos at FMW but he was able to do other things that kept me interested in his work. I look for this same type of thing from you. Clodious: I am going to go against what i just said to ribz because i loved the way you used present tense in this. strong characters and an interesting story that makes following your character one to follow. I also see a potential tag team between you and my brother. all in all excellent work Ken Noisewater: Love the idea for this character and think you executed it to a T. the voice overs and the way you seemed to mix action made me feel like i was watching a special report on the news so points to you there. I thought the dialog was solid, alittle rough at first just cause i dont see a real reporter having that type of attitude on air but other then that i really liked this. keep up the good work. Adam Wylde: Was hard to get into cause it felt like we were thrown right into it. This may or may not have been a formatting problem but im not sure. my biggest problem was length and the fact that the red text was so damn small. killing my eyes holmes. i am going to assume the red text is an internal monologue but some clarification would be nice. Captain Courage: first and foremost, LOL. i enjoyed this alot. its like he is the little kid that never grew up and is compensating. the sock is my favorite secondary character so far. a bit more about the match could have been added but for an introduction i thought it was really good. Exodus: WOW. my favorite promo yet. i love the concept of your character and you gave his past in a way that all of it seemed needed. i think alot of people struggle with backstory cause they only worry about where they are and not how they got there but that isnt you at all. It was brought up to me that we arent entirely sure why you exodus is wrestling. other then that i loved this. Gregory Best: What part of mano e mano dont you understand? Mano!! lol i love it. favorite line in all the promos thus far. its a nice intro to the character and the list certainly goes to show his rudimentary wrestling skills. its a solid idea for a character but in practice i am not sure how his matches will write out. should be interesting and save for a few grammatical errors i have no complaints top notch effort. iscariot; I am not entirely sure about this promo. I understand the duel voices thing going on but not much else makes sense. so this kid is still in school and what not but is gonna be a professional wrestler? doesnt make alot of sense and could use some explination. also it leaves out your match completely which isnt good. just seemed anecdotal to me. i hope you improve upon this before the deadline because i have seen the duel voice/multiple personality theme work before. Fytor: At first glance I wasn't fond of this character. However after rereading i found i liked it a lot more. It flowed great and was very comic booky which is what i think you were going for. Creative villian foils are always a plus and everything was written well. My only complain would be a lack of match emphasis but being that this is an intro promo that can be looked past. Heres to continued good work from you in the future. Feyd Brisbane: Not bad man. being your first promo ever this was a solid effort. You seem to have a firm grasp of your character and seem to have the formatting down. In the future try and add some more length. The streams of consciousness is a good idea but I am not sure i would have picked up on it had you not told me. You would be well served to clarify things like that in the future. Good job. Anon Ehmus: Excellent work. Great concept great execution. I got to say i seriously mark for cameos and hostyle is one of my favorites. I dont feel i should critique your work as you know what you are doing. I love the vein this is in so keep it up. Deacon King: Really enjoyed this. Only one problem. The last time deacon speaks you have him down as deacon frost. Easy mistake so dont worry about it. for me this had the perfect blend of back story characters and match relevance that one looks for in a promo. The ex drug user rock star thing has been done before but it looks like you can go to the well and make this work for you. Good luck Sick Fixx: Loved your manifesto. Even though i am not familiar with PWA i think you gave enough background info that everyone should be comfortable understanding where he is coming from. It is always nice to see someone give a competitor a rub in their promo so for that i commend you. Heres hoping for good things in the future. Eric Ares: I hate you. I post my best promo ever and in my estimation you top it. Question though, is there anyones mother you havent fucked? Kidding aside this was a spectacular effort and if i have to go down to anyone i am glad it is you. Great formatting and character concept. I find nothing wrong with this Colt Conrad ApprovedErich Ahriman: You never cease to amaze me. First you rip on one of my favorite movies and make me enjoy it. Then you bring in the one person i loath. Cactus Sam. If i didn't enjoy your writing so much i would surely hate you. excellent work. I'm wondering if this guy isnt supposed to be the devil incarnate or something of the sort. Needless to say you have peeked my interested. Good job. Sam And Max: I must admit I hated the idea behind this gimmick. Threep told me about it a while back and i shit all over him for it. That being said the distinctive personalities are something i failed to consider and i think you pulled this off swimmingly. Was written very well and the different perspectives was nice. your character poses alot of questions but you are a very good writer and if you keep it up i feel they can be answered in a very entertaining way. Good job
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Cain Ravid
Lower Midcarder
"Not so; if anyone kills Cain, he will suffer vengeance seven times over."
Posts: 106
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Post by Cain Ravid on Feb 6, 2008 20:04:51 GMT -5
Dunn[/b] - Nice promo. Real nice. The inner thoughts of John and the way he speaks are so sharply contrasted and I really like that. Just to get this out of the way, the only caution that I have is that I fear you my go overboard/over use the whole "horse-fucking-shit-faced-bagel-eater" thing that you do when John speaks. Two or three times thrown throughout the promo is wonderful but, if you were to use it ever sentence it may actually distract from the overall goodness of your writing, if that makes any sense. Anyway, the brother issues in the beginning were really done and the dialog between John, Sam, and Max was also a joy. The only thing was that at some points I had to stop, go back and re-read portions of dialog to see if it was Sam or Max that said it, maybe you should use a different color to differentiate between the two? Just a suggestion. Overall, excellent work, really liked it!
Double C - Excellent idea for a character and I think you've placed him in a great starting position to really do wonders. If you handle this right I think you could have a great character on your hands and go really far in VCW. That being said this was a great intro promo and really did a good job of setting the scene for future happenings between Colt, his cheating wife, and his midget manager. As Dunn has already stated maybe go through and fix the little errors that distract a bit from your work but other than that, A+ work!
Radical - This promo was kind of "Meh" to me. I thought it did a great job of establishing Chris as a cocky character who is out to seize control of VCW. I really like your use of dialog to further a promo and your interaction with the other characters was fairly well done. However, on the flip side of that same coin, the entire promo seemed repetitive. If you were to divide your promo into three separate sections (one being the walk through the parking lot scene with the camera from behind, the other the interaction with Craig Christ, and the final the interview about 1.1) all three seem to say the same overall thing, "I am 'The Radical' Chris Austin and I am the best thing going. I will win every match and be the next champion" and it all seems rather redundant and old by the time you get to the final interview portion which I feel was the best part of the promo. I think you could have dropped the middle segment with Christ and maybe started to flesh out a little back story on Chris, or maybe delve a little more into his personal life outside the wrestling business. All in all, I just wanted more of the REAL Chris rather than the wrestling Chris, if that makes any sense. Good work and I look forward to seeing more in the future.
13 - This would be the type of conversation that started out with me saying "I got some good news and I got some bad news." The bad news first, this promo just never seemed to get going for me. Once the train started to roll it would be derailed by typos, poor use of language/sentence structure, or inadequate description. I think you had a very good idea for a promo that was full of action and some good chances for character building but when you, for instance, knock a guard out, break another guards arms, and jump behind the wheel of a vehicle and start driving off down the road all within three sentences it leaves me feeling as if I just missed something and wanting more description. You need to make sure and check the difference between the word "were" and "where" also "their" and "there".
I commend you for writing in the first person style, I've always found that the hardest way to tell a story and most of 13's inner dialog was well down. There were some rough patches of dialog between Ribz and 13 that didn't sound anything like the way a real person would talk but they weren't so bad that they distracted from the story. You did a good job of showing that Ribz and 13 had a long standing relationship as opposed to the newly formed one of your opponents and I also liked the way you sprinkled thoughts and details about your upcoming opponents throughout the promo.
In closing I think that if you work a little more on your grammar/spelling and maybe watch out for descriptions that are too short or maybe ones that just don't seem to fit with the overall idea that the paragraph containing them wants to convey, you could turn 13 in a dominate force in VCW.
Also, as a side note, I looked up 13's bio and saw that he was 6'9" 320 lbs and he was saying one of the guards was a "big fucker"!! How big was this guard?!
Ribz - Just like your partner, this promo had some good action and a lot of character interaction. I think that you did a much better job than 13 with your description and dialog. I am really digging the Jamaican accent that Ribz talks with. I also think that you worked your opponents into your promo pretty smoothly. I would have liked a little more character development since 13 already kind of established Ribz and himself as a pair of bad asses but I'm sure that will come in future promos. Well done!
Benedict - My favorite promo of the night. I think you gave the perfect amount of back story, the perfect amount of detail, and have come up with a very original character that I am actually looking forward to reading in the future. I especially enjoyed the interaction with Craig Christ and a few of the whole "fish out of water" scenario made my laugh. Excellent job and I'm glad I'm not facing you!
Noisewater - This promo had me laughing, and that's a good thing. I really enjoyed Noisewater and am very interested to see how his adventures in the world of professional wrestling will play out. I think it's a very original character and can see how you have a lot of different routes to take with him. I felt you had just the right amount of interaction and description to not go overboard with your first promo and that made it a fast and fun read. Looking forward to your next!
Wylde - Nice promo. I felt it was a little short. It did get me interested in the back story of Adam. Why does he have this voice in his head? Is he just crazy or did something cause it to appear? How bad WAS the relationship between him and his parents?
So raising questions is good because it makes me care about your character but, it was over rather quickly and he really did say much other than I will beat everyone and strike fear into their heart. The spider tattoo was a nice touch, but would have liked to see an example on your current opponent of how you will strike fear into our hearts, you know give everyone a little taste of what's to come.
Also the formating on the inner dialog kind of hurt my eyes, maybe it's just me, I dunno.
Cap'n Courage - Let me just say right up front I AM NOT a fan of slapstick comedy promos. I find that sarcastic dry humor promos much funnier so needless to say I am not a big fan of your promo or your character...for now. Who knows it might grow on me. A few of your lines did get a chuckle out of me and I do have to commend you on being original, however it was hard for me to really get into your promo since I had to keep stopping reading in order to roll my eyes.
Also, it was a little short and did really have much action to it. I am interested in seeing where you go with this character because I feel that he may go the way of WWE's Hurricane...which isn't good.
Exodus - I'm really torn on this promo. On one hand I have to commend you on a very good back story for your character and I was VERY interested in the whole tale. However, I hope that you didn't just blow your load on your first promo because you probably could have drawn out that whole back story through 5 or 6 promos at least and done very well. But I guess we'll all just have to see where you go with Exodus, and I can't wait.
I got a little chuckle after I read this long epic back story that seemed to be pulled directly out of a God of War game, and then you have to justify how wrestling in VCW plays in. Just imaging this god-like figure who's plan is to actually challenge God for control of the universe and here he is in spandex, jumping around a giant trampoline ring. Just makes me chuckle, nothing against you. Very good promo!
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Post by Ro on Feb 8, 2008 4:39:14 GMT -5
Putting this out now, I will ONLY feedback if anyone puts out a general request. This show, it seems everyone is asking for it, so okay, I'll get to it later. Yeah. Consider this post useless for the time being.
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ribz
Developmental Talent
Posts: 41
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Post by ribz on Feb 8, 2008 5:34:18 GMT -5
I need some feedback for the sake of knowing what I did right and wrong with this character. I am use to Andy Savana so I am trying new things.
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Post by kennithnoisewater on Feb 9, 2008 13:38:15 GMT -5
i would also appreciate some feedback if possible.
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13
Developmental Talent
Posts: 38
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Post by 13 on Feb 9, 2008 18:39:40 GMT -5
Thats up to your imagination ;D
Also thanks for the Feedback dude.
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Austin
Lower Midcarder
Posts: 172
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Post by Austin on Feb 10, 2008 15:34:55 GMT -5
can I haz tha feedback pleeze?
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RaTo
Developmental Talent
Posts: 40
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Post by RaTo on Feb 11, 2008 16:59:49 GMT -5
I, as the many before me, want teh feedback please. Though I will not feedback this show (already too many people doing it), I promise to make it up to everyone by feedbacking 1.2. So tell me what you think of Gregory Best.
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Post by Sir Feyd Brisbane on Feb 11, 2008 22:46:52 GMT -5
i can haz feedback?
i know it was a bit short, but i haven't had much time to write...
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Post by Super 'Mella Bear on Feb 12, 2008 12:49:30 GMT -5
I'd dig some feedback, too. And don't worry, you will be reciprocated (I'll be feedbacking after voting closes).
Please take under consideration that my intent was to intro Anon, and also to slowly reveal details of his story in the next couple of promos. I had difficulty in deciding what to unveil and leave out for promo #1, as well.
Please, don't hold back either. Muchos gracias! ;D
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Post by Craig Christ on Feb 13, 2008 2:23:20 GMT -5
Craig Christ Feedback will follow once voting is over, to be more fair to the competitors.
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Post by Ro on Feb 13, 2008 7:32:06 GMT -5
Incomplete. Cain Ravid: First of all, I'm assuming that this character is somewhat Middle Eastern, Arabic to be specific, given the picture you wanted and the guy's last name? Let me know, as it would be pretty cool if that were so. Moving on. Your promo had a slight number of minor formatting errors, but that's okay, as the depth of the promo shined through. Your character is one sick motherfucker indeed, and I'll be making sure to look for that idiot who pulled a few strings. Since this is everyone's first promo for VCW, everyone is introducing their character, so lack of match relevance is quite understandable, but you could've focused a little on the tournament, but given the timeframe of the promo, that one's understandable too. Good job. Dunn: First of all, I don't get how a man could just not think about any piece of ass right in front of him. Anyway. I like how you're condescending Sam & Max; any other person would also throw in a little sympathy just because the character is a Siamese twin. The multi-leveled curse words were funny, but only the first time; the rest were just a drag to read through. It's also confusing which head is saying which without having to peruse the roster thread. Still, not a bad promo from you, knowing you, but I just wasn't quite feeling it. Colt Conrad: The "Where's Waldo" part was gold, and I think you can get a lot of comedy from a retarded MMA fighter. But you better make sure not to go overboard with dishing out comedy at a retard's expense; hopefully you don't go the Eugene route. The whole Mitchell cheating on the wife and the teasing angles should be what would give Colt Conrad his depth. Overall, not a bad promo, but I'd have loved to see it be just a little more longer. And your Craig Christ portrayal was straight on The Radical: Judging from the first strands of trash-talking from Exodus, it seems as you're up against a lot. Still, you brought in a good showing, as this work was pretty solid in itself. I'm also digging the "Movement of Radicalization" schtick as it could work as a revolution against the evil, evil General Manager. I'll call you when I need you. The one fear I have for your character is that you might suffer burnout, seeing as you're playing the same guy on two feds... maybe even three when you look at it metaphorically. 13: You're apparently a student in the Retribution School of Promoing, and let me tell you that I am a big fan of that style. I'd use it if I knew exactly how to do it like Ret does. My only gripe is the character dialogue; it could certainly look better, and since Ribz is talking in an accent, I wish you'd have emphasized/distinguished it a little more. Solid work. Ribz: Classic Andy Savana style there. Obviously this style is what makes you stand out from the rest and it delivers once again. Good intro, love the whole betting and money thing. I gotta ask, though, what exactly is this accent? Clodious: What I really really don't like about fantasy elements and wrestlers is that their entrance to a modern-day wrestling federation seems way too contrived, and thus, way too tacky. But don't fret, this is exactly the same way I felt with Krimson Mask, and look where he is now; unbeatable. Your promo was solid, very solid, but rough edges there where fantasy meets "reality".
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Post by Eric Ares on Feb 13, 2008 12:13:40 GMT -5
I sa like feedbacks please.
I'll be feedbacking in the next day or so.
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cc
Developmental Talent
Posts: 37
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Post by cc on Feb 13, 2008 13:43:42 GMT -5
Here is the feedback I promised to those who gave me some.
Colt Conrad: Besides a few grammer errors, I thought this was a pretty damn good promo. I think it was a nice introduction to your character. I'm looking forward to see what else your going to do with Colt, so keep up the good work.
Cain: Good introduction but I would have liked to see more backstory but I'm sure we will find out more about him next time. Besides that I have to say that I love your character and I think you can do a lot with him. You had a few formatting errors but that is fine and didn't take anything away from your promo.
Sam & Max: To start off, I love the gimmick. Guybrush told me about it ages ago and to see someone actually use it is just awesome. You are pulling off the gimmick better than I thought anybody would. The promo was good, I could get nitpicky but its the first promo with this character so I look forward to what you do next.
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Post by Sir Feyd Brisbane on Feb 14, 2008 1:06:36 GMT -5
Since the deadline was extended, I went back and worked on my promo. I woudl appreciate any comments on it. And if nothing else, maybe you'll just be entertained by it.
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Post by sickfixx on Feb 14, 2008 13:14:40 GMT -5
I know I've written better, but considering I've been inactive in e-feds for a year, I'm happy with the result. I think it's almost a good thing I'm losing in the voting, because it will drive me to recapture my glory days which led to me being undefeated for almost a year. I also think Fixx losing his first few matches could be good for the story I have planned for him, i.e. his road to the championship being doubly difficult than anyone else's. Thanks everyone for accepting me when the mods at the other place turned their backs on me.
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Post by Sam & Max on Feb 15, 2008 8:36:26 GMT -5
Alright, kids. This round of feedback goes under 'everybody gets one' rules, as we're all on new characters and possibly a little unsure about our new creations' directions. After this, it's on a 'feedback for those who have given feedback' basis. Also, please give me some back unless you wish to face my fiery wrath. Cain RavidTo start with, some good descriptive text slightly marred by SPaG errors. You built up the atmosphere well, with the lights and the knocking putting Cain on edge. For a main player in your first promo, Angel was too generic for my tastes, but the relationship between Cain and Andrew was well done, particularly on realistic dialogue. Nice debut, you did the most important thing put your character across well. John DunnI already sent you feedback. Also gay pr0n. Colt ConradA very pleasant surprise. This character could easily have been done crudely, but you made Colt likeable by not having too many jokes at his expense. The supporting cast are strong as well, and the whole thing moved along at a decent pace and left me wanting more. Don't be discouraged by getting O'Riowned in the voting; to be honest, anything other than a whitewash is actually an endorsement for your guy. Chris AustinI have the same thing against the Radical that I have against EB4. They're brash, arrogant and confident, but so is every second guy who signs up for the first time. I'm not saying he needs to be a robotic dinosaur ninja, but something unique about your guy will do wonders for making people pay attention to him. The monologues were done well, and you were one of the few to mention your opponent this time round, which was commendable. I did raise my eyebrow when Chris started flirting with the interviewer, and there it remained until the final line where you revealed that the reporter was a 'she'. 13Very solid introduction, that set the scene nicely. I did find the action poorly paced though; you had me retracing my steps on more than one occasion to rediscover what had unfolded. Dialogue was more than solid, a big improvement on your Savage stuff. And on that note, I'm going to be a big egotist and hope that the promo I just used against you in LPW about breaking a guy out of prison inspired you a little with this promo. Ending was nice, and tied into our match well. RibzI find Ribz quite solid and lifelike. You could've perhaps done with a little solo introduction before throwing us into a meeting, but luckily your partner covered that. The conversation in the middle was a strong point, it flowed nicely and kept me interested in the story. The ending, on the other hand, seemed to come out of nowhere, and all the action was over with in a single paragraph. Benedict PhoenixOne of my very favourite promos on the card! Your character is an interesting and very likeable face, who doesn't need the usual hyper-confidence to seem powerful. And not to take anything away from that, but I liked Esperanza even more. I really enjoy strong female characters, and she came across very well. The land of Ergos was also quite intriguing, and I hope you return there for further promos. All in all, an excellent job and a real dark horse contender for the Seraphim Falls tournament. Kenneth NoisewaterAnd now we come to the shock of the night. I'll admit to not being the biggest TOS fan, which made it a really nice surprise to see the same writer put out such a novel and compelling character. Ron was a good supporting player, keep using him and his dark humour. The documentary segments were quite vivid, and Magnum's inept display of cutting a promo was very funny. Good work dude, and I hope you manage to keep the great material coming for this guy. AdamI'll start with a gripe; I really liked the original version of the character, with the sinister voice of self-doubt plaguing a kind but loopy man. This one works well, though in a different way. Excellent setting of the scene, your descriptive work really brought Adam to life for me. A very solid promo, capped off by an unsettling conclusion. Also, I've had enough clues for your writing now that I'm sure I know who you are. Great to see you here. Captain CourageSPaG, SPaG, SPaG. I'd enjoy your promos so much more if those niggling errors were weeded out beforehand. I'll second Harley and say that Mighty Sock works very well as a voice of sanity. Courage himself needs more definiotn, he's a little one dimensional as of yet. However, this is a character with a lot of room for growth. Get him to try some superheroics next time! ExodusYour character took a lot of explanation, and you certainly rose to the challenge with the best exposition this side of a John Derrick promo. His world view is interesting, and throws up a lot of potential conflict for the future. My sole quibble (and this may be a personal ire with religious promos) is that it felt a little dry, with neither conversation nor present day actions. Still, now that the scene is thoroughly set I expect great things from Exodus. Gregory BestRato, are you actually capable of making an unlikeable character? Greg is another winner right from the word go, a loveable, larger than life character who cleverly melds the worlds of football and wrestling. The altercation with the American fan was a real high point of this entire set of promos, with Best both witty and belligerent in trying to escalate the confrontation. This magnificent bastard is going right on my mark chart. HalfordI'll start off by admitting that I (and likely others) know little of the illness, so you may wish to set out clearly in your next promo the ways it affects Halford. He's a sympathetic figure, which I like, and there are all sorts of things you could do with this guy. Loads of potential here. However, I found your unorthodox formatting jumbled and confusing, which could really do with more differentiation between different characters' speech, and indeed between dialogue and description/action. FytorYou really seized the comic potential of Fytor with both hands. 'Bacon of Justice' was a particularly outstanding moment. The villains were weaksauce, but hey, it's a debut promo. You had to introduce your guy, and I believe you did that with flying colours. The narrative was very good too, but I get the feeling that in the near future Fytor will need a sidekick, love interest or similar; someone to bounce his lunacy off. Feyd BrisbaneFor my money, promo of the night. It would have been easy and yet successful to make Feyd a bumbling joke of a caricature, but you took a fascinatingly different direction and made him a complex, tragic man. The unique structure of the promo worked very well, and the well-meaning gesture of buying Fixx drugs was quite seemlessly done. Excellent work, you really made me feel for your character. Anon EhmusIntrigue upon intrigue. Why is Hostyle seemingly being kind? Who is this man behind the mask? Cleverly set up, and you've got me looking forward to the answers very much. We didn't get much of a taste of his personality though, so hopefully that'll be explored in a later promo. Deacon KingVery clever intro, setting the scene nicely for Deacon's intriguing dislike of the rock star lifestyle. Another promo with a powerful female personality, which is always a plus. It's an interesting gimmick, and the battle with temptation is always an interesting possibility if you choose to go down that route. My criticism, singular because I need to strees its importance, is to get rid of that terrible purple colour! Having to highlight the text to be able to read it makes me an unhappy bunny. Sick FixxAh, good to see read a promo of yours at last. I came to LPW after your time, and if I remember rightly you passed on FMW because you didn't want to go through NEW. Anyway, very solid introduction. I liked your strong narrative style, and the frank discussion of his past mistakes did a good job of making a likeable character come to life. Good work, and my commiserations on an unlucky draw in the tournament. Eric AresI didn't know what to expect, and, having read it, I still don't. A great comedy romp from start to finish, you've done a great job making me care about this lunatic arsehole. I really can't find anything to knock in this promo, other than the usual 'Damnit, colour stuff in for the benefit of my child-like attention span, hockey boy.' complaint. Eric AhremanThis was a great idea for a character, giving you an unlimited number of possibilities for future promos. The Forrest Gump pastiche was very clever, using an unusual yet effective device for getting Erich's misanthropic personality across. I love it how things just come together in your promos. Oh yes, and I think you'll find that you owe Syanide royalties for your use of the 'We have much to discuss' line. He's got that shit trademarked these days.
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Post by clodious on Feb 15, 2008 20:04:25 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback, both positive and negative, it helps me work out the kinks in my promos. I will try to implement changes according to recommendations but as we all know, you can't please every one.
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Post by Super 'Mella Bear on Feb 18, 2008 13:06:43 GMT -5
First off, thanks to Jay, Mike, and Nick for the feedback. Now, on to the feedbacking! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cain Ravid One of my fave promos of the bunch. I already have high hopes for Cain as a top-level heel from this well-rounded promo. I really don't have any big gripes with it, since it was an intro promo, and am sure the later promos will explain Cain's story more further. Good shit!
John Dunn Like Romeo said, I wasn't feeling it too much. I'm not saying it was a bad promo, it's just that I felt it might've dragged on in certain areas, and to reiterate what other people have said, the insults were a tad bit distracting (they seem to work a lot better in the TT thread). The sex scene was pretty funny, and the part that I actually liked the most, but the ending was a bit disappointing to me. Overall, it was a well-written piece with great interaction between the characters. Good start.
Colt Conrad I'm digging the lovable lug named Colt, and his cheating crew! As with Matt's, I felt that it started off strong, and really enjoyed the comedy, which was something that I was looking forward to continue on to the press conference. While it didn't, I felt that the conference was a bit too dry, but well written, so I won't stress on it. Good intro.
Chris Austin Well-written promo, but it was too cookie-cutter. I get that he's young and brash, but there was nothing else about him that stood out. I'd like to see more dimension out of Austin, other than his cocky, "future of VCW" demeanor.
13 I like the direction you went with this promo, but there were a couple of times where I found myself confused. Mostly during the times where 13 is thinking to himself. It might've been due to grammatical errors, which you should really be careful with. Decent start.
Ribz Pretty interesting promo. I really enjoyed the character interactions, and found Ribz's handling with constantly being interrupted pretty comical. I also enjoyed his calmness throughout the whole time, even when his life was being threatened. Good start.
Kenneth Noisewater Another one of my faves. I was skeptical at first about this gimmick, but you managed to pull it off really well. I have no gripes with it, as I found it to be an enjoyable read, and am looking forward to reading more from you. Bravo!
Adam Wylde I didn't feel this promo so much. I found it kinda lackluster, and of course, short. Plus, I couldn't help but think about Batman Begins while reading it. I seem to prefer the character that you started off with over this dark persona.
Captain Courage Nice start, but the length of the promo hurt it. I did enjoy reading it, though, but it just ended way to abruptly. It was also very dialogue heavy, so you might want to start adding in more description to your writing. I'm looking forward to see how you'll develop the likable, delusional fuck known ass Captain Courage. Exodus Yet another fave; I found the biblical mythology behind Exodus extremely intriguing! I seriously mark out for that type of shit. Anyway, your promo was really nicely written. I also liked how you managed to open up a whole new door of mystery with mentioning his "master." Good shit!
Gregory Best Best is a funny ass dude, and him wrestling for beer just adds on to the lulz! This promo was a fun read, which garnered no gripes from me. Way to go, Rato!
Halford Sorry to be brutal, but I didn't like this promo. I didn't really explain much, plus it lacked any type of relevance to VCW or the match. The dialogue was also annoyingly structured. I think you should take this time to study everyone else's styles to get a better feel of how to write a promo for your next go around. Lastly, please don't take what I said so seriously.
Fytor Another superhero gimmick, yet so very different. I must say that this promo was a hoot to read! One thing that I think you managed to portray a bit more successfully than CC was Fytor's personality. I also liked the overall cookiness and cartooniness of his herocapade. Good intro.
Feyd Brisbane This had to be my most fave promo of the bunch! It was, at best, decent before the new additions were included, which boosted the hell out of it. I liked the uniqueness to the writing style, and the concepts used. Brisbane's definitely one to watch out for if you keep it up. Good fuckin' shit!
Deacon King If we were able to, I would've chosen your promo along with Noisewater's.
Sick Fixx I liked what you tried to convey in this promo, but wasn't too keen on the way it was written. I felt like I was reading an essay. Anyway, good way of explaining the life of Fixx in a nutshell. Good start, and good to be e-fedding with you again, bro!
Eric Ares Another fave. This promo was jam-packed with LOLicious moments, and i had so much fun reading it. Your writing style is very refreshing, and I really like the whole Ares/narrator interaction. Overall, sweet promo. Good shit!
Eric Ahriman I knew that you would be stiff competition! You got me all nervous and shit! I really dug this promo, and the way Ahriman was portrayed (What an uber-heel! Him and Ravid would be an awesomely villainous duo!). My only gripe was that it was missing any relevance to VCW or our match. Either way, I'm really looking forward to reading what other metaphors Ahriman can put his dark spin to!
Sam & Max As expected, the two-headed dynamic was hilarious! I really dig the narrative perspectives switches for both heads. It really adds some uniqueness to it. So far, Max has been my fave head of the Siamese twins, but I like how you're able to balance it all with Sam's seriousness. And like Matt's promo, the character interaction was well-written. Good shit!
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Post by Sam & Max on Feb 28, 2008 10:18:12 GMT -5
Of course, I will feedback to those who feedback myself more to come as promos are posted Craig Christ Feedback will follow once voting is over, to be more fair to the competitors. I'll be feedbacking in the next day or so. Here is the feedback I promised to those who gave me some. *Impolite coughing noises*
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Post by Craig Christ on Feb 28, 2008 10:28:42 GMT -5
...
Don't point out flaws.
Christ is supposed to be infallible.
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Post by Super 'Mella Bear on Feb 28, 2008 12:01:47 GMT -5
That's right, Nick. Shout'em ALL out! LOL!
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Post by Eric Ares on Feb 28, 2008 18:06:55 GMT -5
I broke up with my girlfriend and have been desperately rushing to find a place to live.
But because you asked so nicely.
Sam and Max: In this case two heads were not greater than one, booo.
I kid, I'll try to get something together eventually.
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Mr. Thomas Hookton
Lower Midcarder
If Heaven Rides Against Us, Then Gods Be Damned
Posts: 117
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Post by Mr. Thomas Hookton on Mar 9, 2008 20:41:36 GMT -5
VCW Live 1.2 Feedback Dunn: Here we go son. For everything I didn't like about your first promo, I now have things I love about this one. I'm glad to see you reinvented the character and gave him a far stronger personality. The Ex-Soldier touretes thing didn't seem to really fit your writing style at all. This seems to fit a lot better with you and in shows in how this promo comes across. While the "Hero of the Intarwebz" thing may not be my favorite, the Anonymous thing is brilliant. Clodius: I liked this promo a heck of a lot more than your last one. That's to be expected, second promo's people begin to settle in a little to what they are doing. You made it to round 2 for a reason and you are showing it here. Ben is a strong, if not foolish character, while Esperenza really steals the focus of the writing, which is appropriate to the character. Well done. I would have liked to see a little more something at the end, just to have the promo end a little stronger, but still A+ sir. His Holiness King RaTo: I'm digging Gregory Best. There's something about this character that just draws me to him. Not as funny, in fact not really funny at all, as the first promo. But it's good to see that you can pull off a volume of emotions and actions out of a character instead of just a single schtick. Should be a good bout between you and Ares. Cain: Strong promo. I loved the ending, it had a solid suspenseful quality to it that I really liked. The start was a little slow, but still it led well into the rest of everything. I'm really interested in where you are going with this story. You have my interest peaked, keep em' coming. Kennedy: I dunno man. Not to be hard on you, but this just didn't do anything for me. You said Kennedy has all the respect in the world for Bright...why? He earlier states he doesn't know him? That and it was just really short, I felt I didn't have any chance to get into the promo and know Kennedy. Being said, this would have been a great portion of a promo if it had of been expanded, it had a lot of potential. Feyd: If I were reading a book I would have really liked this for sure. And would have wanted to really read the rest. Over at FMW I seem to say this once a promo period at least, and while it is personal opinion I have found it is something shared by many a people. One post promo's are the way to go. Sometimes you have to limit yourself a little but you are able to keep everyone's attention and not have to worry. Two post promo's are difficult and you really have to nail the first page to make the second a worthwhile read. 3 post promo's are a little insane. I read the whole thing which is more than I usually do for most people, and I liked it, but the length of the promo I felt detracted from the weight of the promo itself. It was a strong story in itself, but I think you are going to find that some people may be turned off from the promo because of it. On a side note again I loved the story and I love how Feyd is developing, keep that up, just watch your length. Deacon King: Nice promo. I like the addition of Hannibal Frost in the end, however I felt the end of the promo was a little weak. I like how King is developing but I'd like to see him become a little stronger in the development portion of everything. Should make for a hell of a match none the less. Bright: Excellent promo sir. I love to see a character that isn't all piss and vinegar, a character that isn't in his prime. I like what I see of Bright and I hope I keep to get seeing it. I love the wisdom that Bright seems to posess and the strength that his character seems to have. Amazing intro promo sir. Anonymous Emus: I'm liking this character a lot as you progress him. I'm interested to see how you plan on continuing to integrate Hostyle and Ehmus. As usual I get a laugh when Hostyle is around and I like having Ehmus around to counter his personality. Kudos sir. Carpenter: Nice intro promo to this character. No offense but I already like him a lot better than Sleg. It was a good intro and we got to see the character and his interactions, and where his fascination all begins. It was a good promo and should make for a good match. My only qualm is the length, it was a little short, but not short enough to really detract from the promo. Nodnarb: I dunno about this one. It just seemed to me like you were pushing a little too hard to be funny and it didn't really fly for me. The writing was good, and we get to see what Nodnarb is like, but all in all I just wasn't taken by this promo. Exodus: I'm still on the fence about this character. While the promo was very strong and very descriptive, it was almost too much so. There was so much description that Steinbeck himself was kinda bored. I like the conversation at the end between the Master and Exodus, and most of the descriptive process, but at times it just felt as though it were too much. Strong promo though none the less. Ares: Like you said, not your strongest work, my concern now of course is that if this isn't your strongest work, what is? This promo was awesome. I love the injected lines throughout the promo, some being relevant, some just being Ares' humour. Obviously things were hectic for you given life happening, so with what time you could muster you pulled out something amazing.
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Post by Sir Feyd Brisbane on Mar 17, 2008 6:37:03 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback Hookton. I was always told to write until I was finished, and so I did. It just so happened that it took me 8000 words to finish the story I wanted to tell. As I've said from the beginning, if I do nothing other than entertain, I believe my job is done.
I will hope to get feedback up within the next day or so.
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Post by The Pyro on Mar 17, 2008 15:54:04 GMT -5
Thanks Clarke. And no offense taken, I too enjoy this character way more than Sleg.
Also, this is a placeholder for feedback, which I may or may not do. It currently all depends on time and laziness.
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